This Adventure Story is going to be a little different than most. It’s more than just a recap of an epic trip to Africa. It’s also a story about loss and grief; about love and growth. It’s about rediscovery and seeking balance.
I recently traveled to Namibia, Africa. This was my very first trip to Africa, so there was a lot of excitement and anticipation leading up to this trip. In Namibia, there is what seems to be endless desert dunes that meet the Atlantic Ocean. It’s a landscape that feels like another planet. My partner Matt and I were meeting up with some of the European Red Bull athletes for a skydiving and paragliding trip. Our home base was Swakopmund, a coastal town surrounded by towering sand dunes. The cost of living was extremely cheap and the food was amazing. The plan was simple: skydive during the day and soar the dunes in the evenings if the winds allowed. Repeat.
Doesn’t get much better than that…
While jumping and flying alongside Matt and the Red Bull crew, I was surrounded by some of the best flyers in the world. All are people I look up to. Equal parts inspiring and intimidating. It was hard to not feel out of my league at times, but I was happy to be there. I was learning. I was part of it. Watching Matt and the Red Bull guys together in Africa was awesome. There aren’t many people like Matt that have so much talent, knowledge and influence in the sport. He always has a way of pushing me to be better and I’m lucky to be around that all the time. But it’s awesome when I get to see him work, and jump with people that can push him and challenge him too.
So, we were all out there ripping.. crushing high quality jumps over the desert and getting the best soaring sessions on the dunes I’ve ever had. This was one of those trips in your life that stands out. There is no doubt it was an awesome time and amazing experience. However, the truth is, I was simultaneously going through a deep internal struggle and emotional battle.
Before the trip, I packed something deeply personal: a small vial of my friend Compton’s ashes. She was one of my best friends and tragically died in a wingsuit BASE accident in December of last year. I went to her memorial, cried with our friends and her family. While it still made me sad and angry, I felt like I had processed it and I was moving forward. I thought I had made peace with it and told myself there was nothing I could have done to prevent her accident.
I knew for a while this is where I wanted to bring her to spread her ashes. It felt right. It was a unique and special place…just like her… I wore her ashes around my neck the whole trip, carrying her around for every adventure.
It all seemed so poetic and simple in my mind. I never anticipated how hard it was going to hit me. The weight of it all started to crush me. It was like I was processing everything for the first time. The reality of her being gone…the guilt came flooding in. All the things I wanted to say to her before she died that I never said because I thought I had more time… I felt like I could have done more to prevent her death and it was destroying me. The thought of letting go of her ashes suddenly felt impossible. I wasn’t ready. It felt wrong.
I was pulling apart at the seams and completely deconstructing the idea of myself and what I was doing…what we are all doing.
Now I was settling into the reality I had been absent in so much… What else was I missing and neglecting? I had been on the go so much the last few years, going from jump to jump, trip to trip. I forgot to slow down. Reflect. Process. Be grateful. I forgot to take care of myself and the people I love. I was missing things, important things.
It’s OK to chase your dreams, but you can’t lose yourself along the way. It’s about being present in the small, meaningful moments too. Matt has this way of grounding me. He reminds me to slow down, to look around, to be grateful. He brings me back to what really matters. I’m so lucky to have him.
In a world ruled by social media and constant comparison, it’s easy to forget what lies beneath the surface. We scroll past filtered triumphs and curated achievements, rarely pausing long enough to enjoy the slower moments or really reflect on the core things that give this all meaning and make all the risk worth it. We get so stuck on where we want to be, we forget to enjoy where we are now. We also forget how to share the struggles we might be going through.
I’m an introvert and have been a loner my whole life, so it’s often difficult for me to come to the conclusion that the airtime isn’t the core reason for doing any of this. For me, it’s the connections. Shared memories. Love. It’s the feeling of making a positive impact on others, creating epic memories and lifting up those around you. It’s what makes it all worth it. It’s hard to admit I lost sight of this.
It’s easy to keep moving in life through a certain lens, never stopping to acknowledge what makes you, you. Why we do something, and who we do it with, matters much more than what we are doing. The energy you put out is the energy you get back.
When I started these sports it was about the love of flying, the freedom, the friendships. And that feeling still holds true at the core of me. But even I get lost in the chaos at times. Feel the pressure.
For me, the times I stopped being so hard on myself, focused on lifting up those around me and putting out good energy, those are the times I progressed the most. Without even thinking about it. It felt effortless. And that energy is contagious. Comparison is not just the thief of happiness, but in my opinion, it slows progression and productivity. It takes work to maintain a good balance with everything in these sports.
In today’s social climate, it feels like everything revolves around progression. Being the best. Chasing the next level. The constant pressure to prove something. To show that you’re still “relevant”. Still pushing. Still good enough. And often, it feels like social media and getting “the shot” are the only things that matter. In these sports, that’s a dangerous place to be. And I can tell you, in the end, none of that matters. The memories that matter the most to me with the people I’ve lost were the conversations and laughs between jumps and not how rad and gnarly we were getting.
So, as the end of the trip neared, I was exhausted and broken. But I was also filled with gratitude. Grateful to be here. Grateful for the memories and time I’ve had with people. Suddenly letting go of Compton’s ashes seemed like a symbol of all that. I scattered part of her over a dune we soared and the rest after a wingsuit jump along the coast at sunset.
Letting go of her was extremely difficult and emotional. I could feel the empty space it left in my heart. But it felt like I was making space for personal growth and perspective. To realize that we can’t take anything for granted, and nothing is guaranteed. While we should all be passionately pursuing our dreams, don’t forget how lucky we are to be right here, right now. Express gratitude. Be present. Remember your “why” for doing any of this. And tell those around you what they mean to you.
This trip was nothing short of incredible for so many reasons. I love the life I’m living. I love the people I’m sharing it with. This trip helped me take a step back and remember why I’m here and what I care about the most. I’m grateful to be here living my dream and sharing that with people I love.
I think it’s important to remember we all struggle with something at some point and that’s OK. We can all find ourselves out of balance but we can lean on people around us to regain it.
So I hope you all remember: you are not alone and you are valued.
Fly free Compton.
Full story and photos can be found on Kavu’s website here. Read more about Felicia here.
